Chapter 260

Tori fed Stevie, then stood with him staring out once again at the city lights. She blew out a long breath. “I don’t know Peanut. I just don’t know what to think. Can I believe her? Do I dare? What if I do, and it all turns out to be a lie? But is it fair to either one of us – or Daddy - to not even try?”

An hour later, Stevie was asleep in his bassinet and Tori was lying on the bed staring at the ceiling. She was no closer to an answer. She wanted to believe Heather. God! How she wanted to believe her! She wanted things back the way they were before. She wanted her happy life back! But she wasn’t sure she could trust her. The reversal of her attitude was possible, but her track record wasn’t good.

She’d turned off the light, leaving just the lamp on the bed side table burning, but she was still awake when Richie quietly opened the door and slid inside. He bent over the bassinet to kiss his son’s cheek, fingered the bandana, shook his head, then, feeling her eyes on him, turned towards her. “Hi.”

“Hi. How’d it go?”

“It was really nice.” He showed her the small statuette they’d given him.

She ran her finger over the engraved writing. “You should be very proud Rich. You’ve worked long and hard for this. You and Jon. They couldn’t have picked more deserving people.”

“Thanks.” Something in her voice had him smoothing back her hair and searching her face. “Angel? Is something wrong? Don’t you feel well? Is it the baby?”

She shook her head. “Peanut and I are both fine.”

“Then what is it?”

“I had a vistor tonight.”

“Yeah? Who?” The whole family – including her parents - had been at the induction.

“Heather.” She watched him closely for his reaction.

“Oh God! I’m sorry.” He sat down and raked a hand through his hair in agitation. “Did she upset you? What did she want? Are you okay?”

“Richie, stop! I’m fine. She came to apologize for trying to steal you away and to give me her explanation of events.”

He sighed. Her lack of temper was a good sign, but he was afraid to hope. Still, he had to try. “Tori? Can we talk about this now?”

She studied him for a moment, then nodded. “I guess now’s as good a time as any.” Sitting up, she fluffed the pillow behind her back and made herself as comfortable as she could. “Why Richie? That’s what I still can’t wrap my mind around. If you love me so much, and we’re as perfect for each other as everyone wants me to believe, then why? And don’t give me the same story you did before. ‘I had to be sure’ doesn’t fly with me. Or everytime you see a woman who interests you do I have to worry that you might want to see if the grass is greener on the other side of the fence ‘just to be sure’?”

“No!” He leaned forward, rested his arms on the bed and picked up her hand to toy with her fingers. “What I told you wasn’t a lie, but it wasn’t the whole truth either.” He paused. “I’ve been a coward. I didn’t trust you with my deepest fears and thoughts and I should have. You’re my wife. I should be able to share everything with you. Here I am begging you to trust me, when I haven’t trusted you. I….when my marriage to Heather failed, I felt that I had failed. I don’t know what more I thought I could have done, all I knew was that I felt like I hadn’t done enough. So when Heather came to me, telling me she’d changed, that the therapy had shown her how wrong she’d been…..it was like I was being given a second chance.” He looked up from their hands to meet her gaze, his dark eyes wet and shining. “But then there was you and Peanut. You’d come into my life, and made me…..whole again. You’d shown me that I didn’t need the glitz and glamour of fame to be happy and successful. In fact, I loved going to your home town and being able to walk down the street with you without having flashbulbs go off in my face every ten steps. You stood by me through all that mess last Easter, and helped me fight my demons. You were giving me a child! You were making all of my dreams come true, but all I could see was a chance to correct the failure of my past. I hurt you badly. I know that. I will never be able to tell you how sorry I am for that. I never meant to.” He looked back down and played with her wedding rings. “When you left I got a taste of what life would be like without you.” Once again his gaze met hers. “I didn’t like it. It was ten times worse than when Heather left. A hundred times a day I’d turn to say something to you and felt a stab of pain that you weren’t there. Our bed was empty and cold. I couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t eat. I couldn’t even play.”

Tori’s brows rose. She didn’t think there was anything that would take away the music for him. “Did you drink?”

He shook his head. “No. I thought about it. I wanted to, but there was no point. No amount of alcohol was going to dull this pain, even for a little while. I almost even…..Heather tried one last time. She thought with you gone she could step in, but….I couldn’t. Even though I was hurting and lonely, I couldn’t do it. She didn’t feel like you, she didn’t smell like you, she didn’t taste like you. She just wasn’t you! And that’s what I wanted. What I needed. I pushed her away and told her it was over. For good. The past was the past. We can’t relive it. The best we can do is learn from it and not make the same mistakes again. She is the mother of my daughter, and that’s it. Nothing more. You are my life, my love, my future. Please tell me that I haven’t let my fear and cowardice – and stupidity - ruin the best thing that ever happened to me! I will do what ever you want, if you’ll give me another chance! Angel please!”

“What did you mean, when I asked you if it wasn’t for the baby would you still be here, and you said you didn’t know?” That had felt like a stab in the heart.

He grimaced. “That was a stupid, thoughtless answer that didn’t come out right, and I’m sorry for that too. What I meant was that I couldn’t separate you and the baby. When I was considering my options, so to speak, I had always considered either Heather or you and Peanut. I had never considered just between you and Heather. When you asked I answered as honestly as I could, but I should have explained that I didn’t know, because I’d never considered it. I know it doesn’t sound a whole lot better with the explanation, but I wasn’t exactly at my best at the time.

The tears rolled slowly down her cheeks. “You hurt me unlike anything I’ve ever felt before. You lied to me, You broke promises. You made me feel….like I wasn’t good enough, like something was missing in me.”

He lifted one hand and used his thumb to wipe away her tears. “I know. Baby, I’m soo sorry about that. You’re too good for me. I don’t deserve you. But I want you, only you. I need you. I love you! Can you honestly tell me that you don’t love me anymore? That you haven’t missed me? Missed us?”

She shook her head. “No I can’t. But this isn’t about love. Or not just about love. It’s about trust.” She looked down at his hand holding hers. “That picture the other day of you and Heather…”

“That was completely innocent, I swear! It was outside her hotel. I was picking Ava up, and she handed me some of Ava’s jewellery. That’s all it was.” They were silent for several moments. Finally, he couldn’t stand it any longer. “Angel? Tell me what you’re thinking.”

She sighed. “I love you Richie, I can’t deny that. I just don’t know if I can trust you, and I’m afraid to try. I couldn’t bear it if I was made a fool of again.”

“That wouldn’t happen! I promise. I know that it’s going to take some time and I’ve got to earn back your trust. All I’m asking is that you give me the chance to prove myself to you. Don’t you want things like they were before all this? Weren’t we happy then? We can have that again!”

“I wish we could Rich, but I don’t see how things can ever be the same again. How do we get passed this?” That was the part that bothered her the most. She would give anything to have things the way they were, but she was afraid that everytime he left the house she’d wonder where he was and what he was doing, and that was no way to live.

“One day at a time angel. And with plenty of patience and love.” He thought the conversation sounded positive, but she hadn’t come right out and said it. Before he could ask, Stevie woke up. “Dinner time again?” She glanced at her watch and nodded. He stood, pulled the bassinet closer, and lifted the baby out. Laying him on the bed, he changed his diaper, under Mommy’s watchful eye.

She smiled her approval as he finished and handed her the baby. “Nice job Daddy. I’m impressed.”

He shrugged. “It doesn’t smell yet.”

She chuckled and gazed down at their son. Didn’t she owe it to him to at least try to give him an opportunity to grow up with both parents? But how did she push aside the hurt and mistrust? Could she? She doubted that she could ever forget, but could she find a way to forgive? She lifted her head and searched Richie’s face. He raised a brow. “I’m not saying no, but I’m not saying yes either. I want to talk to Carol before I give you an answer. I want to know how she did it. If she can give me some hope that it can work, then I’ll come home and we’ll give it a try.”

He nodded, knowing it was the best he could hope for. Leaning over, he kissed her forehead, hesitated, then kissed her softly on the lips, relieved when she kissed him back. “Thank you. You won’t regret it angel. I promise. I may be stupid sometimes, but I do learn.” He glanced down and adjusted the tiny black bandana on Stevie’s head. “Do I even need to ask?”

She shook her head. “No, it was Shirley. I was going to change it back, but it’s actually kind of cute.”